Seeking happiness in others

Hi beauties,

As the Greeks defined it “Happiness is the joy that we feel when we’re striving after our potential.” Some say picking up hobbies makes them happy where as others believe immersing themselves in simple pleasures is the key to happiness. However, within the people around me and unfortunately myself I have noticed that many of us have tendencies to feed off this emotional high we call happiness through other people. For example, some of my friends are only at their peak of happiness when they are in a relationship and others feed off the attention they get from love interests or boys in general. I feel this emotional high I think is ‘happiness’ when I get my desired validation off people; this could be through boys giving me attention, through people telling me I’m pretty or can even be manifested through other people’s good opinions on me. I don’t want to feel like I need to seek other people’s validation in order to feel ‘happy’. In theory I would love to feel happiness because I am confident in my body and know who I am; I want to experience life with my friends and appreciate the little aspects of my life like family.

If an outsider were too examine my life in general I doubt they would find any reason for me not to have this pleasure and taste for life; I have a lot of things others find hard to get however, I still have a dark void in myself which makes me dissatisfied. Even when I am in a relationship and am getting the ‘approval’ I feel like I need I will always look at the other side and say that the grass is greener there.

A few days ago someone I cared about (my ex) threw all my emotional baggage in my face. Although some of it was a combination of him being stupid and him deflecting I did find some truth to his words. This realisation stung like hell. He mentioned a lot of things I did to get this ’emotional high’ and if I keep on doing these things I will end up unhappy. I am 20 and so young! I need to live my life to the fullest with good/bad moments I won’t forget. I don’t want to repeat the same pattern of self-hatred and cheap highs, I want to dig deep into my core and find the true me which I know I will love.

I have figured out a few steps to do this (this may not be correct but I will try these and update you guys). In order to be more body positive and feel better in my skin I will continue to go to the gym and eat healthy (I have to wait a week to go to the gym following a serious asthma attack). I believe that by doing this I will feel mentally better as I feel anxious and moody when I don’t do sport (this obviously may not apply to everyone). Also, I will do more work and get more tasks completed so I have more times for my hobbies. My friends and I have come up with a few projects which I wanted to start a few years ago but was too scared to do so. Hopefully in starting this new adventure I will feel so much happier within myself. Further, I feel like I need to cut a few people out of my life. These people make me feel miserable and honestly they’re a pain to talk to. I can tell they don’t think the best of me therefore they should not be in my life. I feel like this will be hard but it is necessary to be free and love my surroundings. FAKE FRIENDS ARE NOT THE ONE!

Anyway, finding happiness in others or getting that cheap high isn’t worth it. Real happiness and love is the goal and whichever way you do this I hope you achieve it. 🙂

Till next time xx

PS although my last relationship ended a while back we have just broke the friendship due to the other shit he said to me. I am still grieving as I did care about him a lot however I believe this new change of fate is for the best. Love is a hard thing to lose but remember if someone loves you they won’t say or hurt you in the way he hurt me. Sometimes we do or say crazy shit but putting people down is emotionally destructive.

 

Advertisements

Change

I know I haven’t posted in a while but as I have grown older I feel like my older posts don’t relate to who I am anymore. So I have created a new blog post  ‘https://searchforperfectionsite.wordpress.com/2017/08/18/goals/’ that I would love for you to read and I promise I will be updating this every day.

Thank you xxxx

Lifestyle

Hi guys,

I know it has been a while since I posted but I have not had the motivation to do this at all and it hasn’t been on my mind. It is summer now and I want to make the most of the blog so from now on I will be posting lifestyle articles on various categories such as food, health, fitness and university.

Stay tuned for more,

Thank you xxx

Hi guys,

I’m sorry I have not done this in a while but I really didn’t know what to write. Personally, my life feels very chaotic. Today, I woke up with a million insecurities- I’ve got a massive stomach, I’m not smart enough , I’m too lazy to go for the things I want.

Although sometimes I think these are true, I know deep down they aren’t. I don’t have a massive stomach, in fact I am perfectly normal for my height and age. I am smart enough, I have gotten offers from very good universities for a subject I love. I am certainly not lazy to go for the things I want, I go to the gym even when I don’t want to (or if not I do exercise at home), I do revise like crazy to get the grades I deserve and I do try my best to pursue the guys I want.

By reading the paragraph above I sound like the perfect human but of course I’m not. There are many things I do not like about myself and would want to change but that will change me as a person. If we did not have any insecurities we would not be strong enough to know how to deal with them. Sometimes it is better to accept our flaws than to try to change ourselves as maybe with time we will start to love them. For instance, my sister’s body is quite thin in contrast to my curvy body. I used to want to be like her- flat stomach, thin arms and legs and used to hate it when people called me curvy. Now, even though my body isn’t perfect, it is very beautiful to me and I’m sure it is to some people out there.

In my opinion we should not be hard on ourselves. We should learn how to accept our natural selves and we should not put too much pressure on ourselves to change things that aren’t supposed to be changed. Obviously, if you really want to loose weight to become more fit, or revise more to get better grades nothing should stop you but if you keep on verbally hurting yourself because of what you can’t do right over a long period of time, stop overreacting.

Everyone has insecurities- models, fitness coaches, champions and the people you aspire to be. Don’t be to much of a perfectionist on yourself as a perfect person does not exist. That person you wish you could be does not exist.

I hope this helped some of you xxx

Day 9: Spark

Hey beautiful people,

Yesterday, I went job hunting. It was a success. Most places are hiring teenagers so I probably will get one. I can’t wait to get one. Having my own money will be the best thing. I will finally have an income.

I suddenly have the desire to live. I have this passion which comes in the form of a spark inside of me to live. It’s so exciting. I have never actually felt this. I can’t believe it! It makes me feel like I am invincible.  Even now when I have a fucking cold. It feels like it is my turn to be the person who I actually want to be, if this makes sense. I can’t wait for life!! I just want to live it to the max. Do everything that I want and live without regret. Oh my god, what has the sun done to me?!!

I feel like I will get a boyfriend soon. I just feel ready and optimistic to be honest. I just feel complete with myself and I want this ‘addition’ in my life. It is the same with getting a job.

Today, is my parent’s wedding anniversary and they aren’t doing anything. It’s actually sad. I’m planning to make a cake for them while they are out. It’s only fair. My mum wanted me to make one because she desired to do a massive thing….Just realised this is a massive bust as they aren’t leaving the house. Well, I’ll just make a cake anyway. My mum is probably really sad. She really wanted to do something big. It’s their 18 anniversary. I guess when you’re that old it doesn’t matter anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I always need to please my dad. It’s really sad. For example, yesterday I was wearing a crop top and he shouted at me for wearing one when it wasn’t even provocative in any shape or form. So when I went out I put a jumper on when it was so hot. This happens a lot. I always feel like I need to please him and not my mum. He’s the hardest one to please. My sister doesn’t have this problem. She does what she wants and he doesn’t seem to hate her or not like her. I need to be more like her in that sense. I’m so fed up of caring about his opinion and trying to please him when I know whatever I do will make him happy and he loves me no matter what. I feel like I need to be the child of the year and everything I do he needs to be in agreement with. I really don’t care anymore. It’s just going to make me live in regret all the time.

Anyway au revoir my bbys ❤ xxxx

Day 8: Awkwardness

Hey beautiful people,

Today I want to talk about awkwardness. I sometimes feel like I’m not myself even when I am alone. It’s a feeling I get quite often. This may sound weird to some but it feels like I need to impress someone as if they are with me, normally it is my crush. I don’t like it, I’m improving though. Once I realised it I started to do it less but it is still a regular occurrence. It’s really frustrating.

Also, today my mum came back and she said that she saw this really confident girl, who was around my age and it made me feel like shit. I know she wasn’t saying it to indirect to me but it felt like it. I don’t know why but things get to me so badly. I am very sensitive. That’s probably why I don’t go for guys I like because I’m scared of being hurt and I feel like I’m not good enough (but of course I am; we all are).

I’ve had around  11 hours of sleep but my head is pounding like hell. I need to start reading more as I nothing apart from playing the saxophone and going to the gym to do. I just feel really tired to be honest. I think it is because exams are over. I put ALL my energy and time into exams and now they are over I barely have no energy left over to do anything else. I had these massive plans but I can’t be bothered to do any of them. Fatigue has taken over me!

I don’t know what I’m going to do today but I need to find a job. I am just too broke to even function. I only have £50 left in my savings which won’t get me any where. I want my own money. Also, I need to start my theory so I can drive. My 17th birthday was months ago but because of exams I wasn’t able to start. My goal is to drive. I’m sure I will feel more independent.

The weather is soooo fucked up. Yesterday, it was boiling hot but today it is raining. Ah the British weather.

Day 7: I don’t even know anymore

Hey amazing people,

I changed beautiful to amazing because I’m sure you all know you’re beautiful. I’d like to thank you guys for all the comments and likes because they really make my day and make me smile.

Today, I went out with my friends to go shopping. One was my best friend and the other girl was someone I rarely spoke to but I soon realised she was a really outgoing person. It was uber hot today, so I decided to wear a black tank top, ripped boyfriend jeans and my new Nike trainers. My friend’s kept on telling me that people were eyeing me…Cringe! Some were cute though, can’t really lie. I bought new ‘cochella’ style tops (I believe they are called ‘gypsy’ tops) and although they are not what I usually go for,they suit me well. I never used to be a massive fashion expert but I’m one of those people that wear different type of styles. For example, I would go goth one day, then girly the other. When I was little I was such a massive tom boy, so I guess I’m making up for that now.

A part of me feels very happy and content. I know I am happy:

I have a family who loves me and cares for me. I love and care for them too.

I have many friends who actually CARE and appreciate me

My figure is actually really good, my stomach is just a bit flabby.

I am beautiful. See people (boys and girls) have told me this before but I have accepted it without actually realising that it is true. I suddenly realised this today.

I have many talents and I am smart.

I’ve just accepted myself.

However, there are some things I want to change about my life:

Get a boyfriend. This has been bugging me for so long. Is it actually ever going to happen? I feel so useless. Even thinking of having a boyfriend seems so far out of my reach.

Experience new things

Make more friends (boys and girls)

Anyway, I’m thinking of making a cake tomorrow. Maybe a coffee cake? My mum wants me to make her a cake for her wedding anniversary on Sunday. I’l be honest I still feel a bit empty inside but I know this ‘self therapy’ ritual I do with myself just takes all my time and energy out of me. Literally and it just makes me feel like shit. I feel like once you diagnose yourself with low self confidence or anxiety you seem to feel like you’re branded with that label and that it doesn’t go away. For example, I used to have really low self confidence and I still sometimes do but that’s normal. I’m not always like ‘yeah I’m fucking amazing’ but I have told my parents that I do and now it feels like I’m stuck with it like I can’t move on because I have told people. Self therapy is just stress! It helps once in a while but not every fucking day. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but others I feel amazing. I’m a paranoid person but hey ho. I shouldn’t dwell on what I need to improve on too much otherwise I’ll think of myself very shitly.

Advice of the day: If you think you weird or not normal or not having a boyfriend, or not being smart, or not doing this or that just think that every teenage feels the same way. No teenager is perfect. Everyone has their insecurities and everyone aspires to be like someone else. I’m sure if people I see around school found out about this blog and realised how I actually am they wouldn’t believe it. From the outside we all look normal but once you discover the battles people face within them that’s when you realise everyone is in the same boat. Teenage years are probably the hardest years we will ever face because we are learning a fuck load about ourselves but they are also the years where we need to have the most fun because we are old enough and we don’t have to be responsible.

Anyway night my bbys ❤

Love you guys loads and thanks for all the comments and likes xxxxxxx

Day 6: Epiphany

Hey people,

It’s getting late. I’ve tried to write today’s entry a million times (only three) but I didn’t know what to write about. At first I started about ‘if I had changed?’ and then I was really happy so I wanted to write about excitement and then I was really depressed so I just wanted to let all my feelings out but I didn’t feel like it. I just spoke to my friend and she gave me the best advice, ‘If you have to act fake around someone, he/she isn’t a true friend’. It’s completely true. This is my life. I can’t waste my time on people who make me feel like shit and ignore the people who make me feel amazing. For once I actually feel loved. I mean I know my parents and sister love me but I don;t really feel it, if that makes sense, but now I know I don’t need to be fake around someone anymore, I can actually be myself and I can be loved for being myself. She has taught me that there is actually a way out of the worst situations.

Today, I let anxiety over take me so  badly. I didn’t benefit me at all, it just gave me a banging headache, nausea and a very negative outlook on life. I can’t let it control my life anymore. Looking back on what happened, it was the smallest thing that felt like the world’s most important problem. It really isn’t. If I continue to worry about things I won’t benefit. You see I tend to worry about things a lot, I emotionally vomit on people of course ( by asking them loads about that I’m stressed about) which makes things 100 times worse and then I will cry myself to sleep. Stupid huh? Wondered why I never realised. I’m living life differently now. Yes, obviously anxiety will always be here and I will get stressed out from time to time but I will never put myself in the cycle ever again. All that pain and suffering for what? Nothing. I never ever benefit from it.

I made this blog to help you guys if you were struggling with this sort of thing but I can only inspire you. You have to realise by yourself. I watched a Zoella video and she said that she just had an epiphany one day. I constantly tried to make myself realise that anxiety was a stupid thing to have but that’s not how it works. You can’t force these things, it takes a long time for you to actually realise. Now I can firmly say that anxiety is bull crap, it just makes you feel like shit, makes you believe things that aren’t actually true and just destroys you as it prohibits you from doing the things you want. I just can’t be bothered anymore.

I know someone who constantly has anxiety and always emotionally vomits on me and on other people for attention. It’s so annoying and it’s way too extreme. Today, I tried to help her loads but she literally said ‘Even if this didn’t help me, thanks I appreciate it’. It angered me so much. Why am I helping people when I don’t even help myself? It’s really unhealthy. Always put yourself first! Never put anyone else before you. This may sound so selfish but I have been living life like a fucking angel and I am sick of it!! I always put people in front of me! For example, I needed to revise but my friend needed help so I put her in front of me, like no…. it’s my A level not hers. This girl wasn’t a true friend either she just uses me. I am tooo fucking nice to people. I would do anything to make someone happy when they wouldn’t even cross the fucking road for me. I need to start treating myself like I’m worthy because I am. I hate performing self therapy on myself, I just can’t be bothered for that anymore. I’m ready to live life to the maximum without any regrets.

Anyway, today I had my last exam and it went okay. There were some questions where I didn’t quite get the marks and one where I made stupid mistakes but I’m optimistic I got an A. Loves maths so hopefully I did. Also, I went out for my friend’s birthday which was cool. I’m so happy exams are over now I can bake loads. I love cooking especially making cakes. I will also do loads of sport to make up for eating crap.

I feel like a sexual predator, I’m not sure if all teenage girls are like this but I’m just craving it. Wow. I know it sounds desperate but I assure you I’m not.

Anyway it’s getting late so night my bbys ❤ I’m soooo happy it finally clicked…

Quote of the day: If it’s not helping you, stop…

Dear Diary (76)- Nerd rambling

I am actually obsessed with your blog. Loving the philosophical part too!!

Dear Diary...

‘Nerd’, ‘Geek’, ‘Smartarse’ take your pick. I am in fact a nerd. It’s not something I’ve been labelled with but it’s something people think in their heads. People aren’t mean to me because I get high grades and work hard all the time to get the grades, they’re just bitter because people get jealous when they aren’t as good as someone else (not that I’m saying I’m better than anyone else as I believe we’re all equal). The thing is, I earn the grades I get, they do not get handed to me on a plate. I need these grades so much that my life depends on it literally… If I don’t get all A’s this year I can’t go to university to do medicine and my whole life is changed. It’s okay if you don’t need to be smart but I need to be smart. I think I became…

View original post 779 more words

Day 4: Pressure

Morning beautiful people,

As humans we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves (to get straight As, to loose weight or to be our vision of perfect). I am guilty of this. I am not the most confident person however, I am not the least confident. I can talk to certain people, I do have many friends and I don’t see myself as ugly. But what is confidence? According to the Oxford dictionary the word confidence means ‘A feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities’. This is true to some extent. Yes, we must trust ourselves and appreciate our capabilities but we must also accept our defaults.

Throughout the past few weeks I have put a lot of pressure on myself to be ‘confident’ in order to be my vision of ‘perfect’ and this is obviously not working. I have realised that the more I put pressure on myself the more I start to freak out or get angry when I think I am not improving. So I have taken a more laid back approach. I have decided to ‘laissez faire’. I have read all the articles, watched all the videos and asked all the people on how to be more confident. I have created an image in my head of the word ‘confident’ without actually realising that isn’t my problem. I am a confident person to an extent. Yes I’m not 100% perfect and content with myself but neither am I 0% or even 50%. I have forced myself to learn all the theory of being ‘confident’ without doing the practical. I believe being confident is a journey, it takes time to grow as a person. Even at 50 my mother who seems very strong and confident has her weaknesses. I am only 17 and I put this much pressure on myself without enjoying life. Yes I’m not 100% confident but who actually is at my age or even when they are older. Being an adolescent is hard and long but it is also the best years. I have learnt tonnes about myself and the people around me. This is enough for me. I know I’m getting there. My life is just starting to be great and I shall enjoy every bit of it.

To be honest, I want to have a better body. I am not fat. I go to the gym twice a week but my stomach and hips aren’t on ‘fleek’. Having a sister who is stick thin because of her high metabolism isn’t easy but it’s nice for motivation. I’ve always wanted to be thinner and I have put too much pressure on myself. Stupidly, I have opted for just an apple for lunch then I would binge when I got home or try and starve myself. It really didn’t help. Now, I have opted for healthier meals and I have cut down on my snacking although it’s difficult when your parents but so much junk food but it’s worth it. I feel more energised and I can see improvements.

Also, I want a boyfriend. Yes guys have asked me out and have liked me but I find it difficult to pursue the guy that I want. It’s so awkward. Maybe I am scared of rejection or I have gotten so used to it I am immune. I have asked a guy out before  and he did like me too but we were too close of friends to ruin things (also he was indecisive). I am at this age where sex and relationships are new, exciting but I am not part of this life. I am just watching from a distance. Many of my friends are or have been in relationships and many of my friends are craving for one. No, I’m not thirsty/ desperate but I want to experience wanting someone as much as they want me, sexually or in an intimate way. I feel like I am advancing with school, exams and beauty but not with this factor and it’s super annoying. I do have my eye on someone but how to get him I don’t know. Either way, I am determined to.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading this.

Bonne chance! xx